{"id":2347,"date":"2020-12-12T15:20:54","date_gmt":"2020-12-12T15:20:54","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/martinemussies.nl\/web\/?p=2347"},"modified":"2023-01-16T22:18:26","modified_gmt":"2023-01-16T22:18:26","slug":"i-am-not-your-manic-pixie-dream-girl","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/martinemussies.nl\/web\/i-am-not-your-manic-pixie-dream-girl\/","title":{"rendered":"I am not your Manic Pixie Dream Girl"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>Dating is difficult, complicated, messy, and awkward for everyone, I assume. But autism adds an extra layer of turmoil to that already unstable cocktail. Especially if you\u2019re bisexual\u2014and those last two identities often go hand in hand. Still, relatively little has been published about these intersections. In this essay I would thus like to share something of my experiences, somewhere in the triangle of dating, bisexuality, and autism.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<!--more-->\n\n\n\n<p><em>Originally written for <a href=\"http:\/\/biwomenquarterly.com\/index.php\/2020\/12\/04\/i-am-not-your-manic-pixie-dream-girl\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">Bi Women Quarterly<\/a> aka BWQ.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Of course, I cannot speak for all women with autism, but I can tell you that for me, the whole game of dating seems to work a little differently than for most neurotypical people I know. \u201cYou don\u2019t participate in the ritual dance,\u201d my partner once eloquently said. Where others seem to see the dating game as such a dance, of challenging, teasing, sometimes taking a distance, then coming closer. I simply stand next to someone, I take their hand and if it\u2019s up to me, I won\u2019t let go.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Netflix\u2019 <em>Love on the Spectrum (LotS)<\/em> is therefore bizarrely recognizable to me from the first minutes of the show, when Michael shows the beautiful wood carving he made five years ago for the lady still unknown to him, who one day will be his future wife, and later when he describes somewhat bitterly that girls his age are actually mainly interested in \u201cintercourse\u201d and not in a steady relationship. I often fall into that trap.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Or take Chloe from <em>LotS<\/em> who, when talking about what she wishes for, indicates that a potential partner should also love Marvel, so that they can talk together about the new films and comics that are coming out. Check\u2014I always thought I would need someone to do performances and concerts together. And that, too, has screwed me up more than once.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>At first sight, the sad incidents from my own love life seem to be mainly about the naivety and gullibility that go with my autism\u2014 and not so much about bisexuality. Nevertheless, I think the fact that I am bisexual and profiled myself as such on dating sites has contributed to the misunderstandings. For example, when a girl calling herself \u201cbi-curious\u201d only wanted to kiss me to turn on her boyfriend. I thought she liked me and I felt like an object. Used. As if my feelings were worth less than those of the straight couple.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-large\"><img fetchpriority=\"high\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"992\" height=\"992\" src=\"http:\/\/martinemussies.nl\/web\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/12\/bisexual.png\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-2351\" srcset=\"http:\/\/martinemussies.nl\/web\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/12\/bisexual.png 992w, http:\/\/martinemussies.nl\/web\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/12\/bisexual-300x300.png 300w, http:\/\/martinemussies.nl\/web\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/12\/bisexual-150x150.png 150w, http:\/\/martinemussies.nl\/web\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/12\/bisexual-768x768.png 768w, http:\/\/martinemussies.nl\/web\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/12\/bisexual-75x75.png 75w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 992px) 100vw, 992px\" \/><figcaption>Me, <a href=\"http:\/\/martinemussies.nl\/web\/category\/bisexuality\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">bisexual<\/a>.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p>In her fairest moment, my ex-girlfriend Steampunk Redhead said, \u201cI just fear that in the end, you\u2019d rather be with a man,\u201d and from that uncertainty she withdrew\u2014or in modern dating jargon she \u201cghosted me.\u201d Maybe this was just an incident that had more to do with her own psychological make-up. Yet it is striking how many of my exes\u2014men and women\u2014have made statements indicating that a relationship between two women is less real\/valuable in their eyes than a relationship between a man and a woman. Think of men\u2019s remarks like, \u201cI would break up if you were cheating on me; well, not with a woman, of course, I\u2019d find that exciting.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>The latter is also problematic\u2014many of the men who pretended to want to have a relationship with me did so as they hoped that dating me would be the shortcut to having trio-sex with me and a friend of mine. When I found out that one of my exes, let\u2019s call him The Contrabassist, had been on a trip to Paris with another woman without telling me, he was also quick to refer to my sexual identity: \u201cWhy do you claim me like this?! I just want to have a fun and relaxed time with you, play music and have sex together, have a threesome or a quartet\u2026 that\u2019s what you do, right, you do it with everyone, man or woman or somewhere in between?!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>As far as I can judge, these statements were sincere, as if, for these men, bisexuality is a synonym for promiscuity. Don\u2019t get me wrong, if someone wants to have several hookups one after the other, I will be the last one to judge. But it is the prejudice about bisexuality that makes me angry and sad. I am bisexual and apart from that I am \u201cthe most loyal dog in the kennel\u201d (as a friend once described me), and those things are totally separate in my world. Yet also that inner image regularly clashed with the reactions of the outside world.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>What was it, then, that got people on the wrong track so often, in my teens and twenties? In the words of a good friend: \u201cIt\u2019s the whole picture\u2014a kooky, colorful loving free spirit. Colorful, lively, bubbly, funny, a bit artistic. You are always full of surprises, happy tunes, and funny outbursts. Everything is welcome; you listen for hours. You cheer people up. And then you are bisexual and talk enthusiastically about sex\u2026\u201d It wasn\u2019t until I went to study film theory tropes that it clicked for me: apparently, men often confuse me with the cardboard character of the Manic Pixie Dream Girl.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<blockquote class=\"wp-block-quote is-layout-flow wp-block-quote-is-layout-flow\"><p><em><em>\u201cThe Manic Pixie Dream Girl is that bubbly, shallow cinematic creature that exists solely in the fevered imaginations of sensitive writer-directors to teach broodingly soulful young men to embrace life and its infinite mysteries and adventures.\u201d<\/em><\/em><\/p><cite>&#8211; Nathan Rabin (2007)<\/cite><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n<p>According to popular descriptions, a MPDG \u201clives freely and loves madly.\u201d She is \u201clike a ray of sunshine into the otherwise drab world.\u201d And she lives \u201cevery day to the fullest\u201d and \u201calways in the moment.\u201d In the films using this stock character the MPDG often doesn\u2019t exhibit a strongly developed inner self, let alone a desire for personal growth, independent goals of her own and mutuality in the relationship. She is just there to support, enable, and provide for the male character in the story. Which is strange, for women have a life of their own. And besides, why would a grown-up man need a girl to \u201cfix\u201d him?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Nathan Rabin, the film critic who coined the term, described the MPDG as \u201can archetype [\u2026] that taps into a particular male fantasy: of being saved from depression and ennui by a fantasy woman who sweeps in like a glittery breeze to save you from yourself, then disappears once her work is done.\u201d Thus, as Gordon So (2019) explains, \u201cthe trope reduces women\u2019s individualities to a type in a disparaging manner, similar to the \u2018dumb blonde\u2019 stereotype where a type is used to mock women who possess certain traits.\u201d As I often quite like the movie characters based on the MPDG trope, I do not understand why they are reduced to playing only this role. I would love to see them as the protagonists of the stories, like Pippi Longstocking in her 20\u2019s, 30\u2019s, or even 70\u2019s. She could be the female hobbit to bring the ring to Mordor! But up till today, the MPDG is a two-dimensional and sexist portrayal of women and this is harmful.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Steampunk Redhead tried to frame herself as a MPDG\u2014skipping over any complicated feelings, just presenting herself as a carefree sunny spirit\u2014and then had to break out of that framework. The Contrabassist resented me for not being a MPDG. When I pointed out to him that I am a living creature, with feelings and wishes, he replied that I should \u201cquit being so dramatic\u201d and went on telling mutual friends and fellow musicians about this \u201ccomplete shift\u201d of mine, calling me \u201chysterical\u201d and a \u201cBorderliner.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>It speaks volumes about the expectations with which he started dating me, a quirky and colorful bisexual girl. The histories of oppression of unconventional women by labeling them as \u201chysterical\u201d have been well-documented. Calling someone a \u201cBorderliner\u201d is just old wine in a new bottle, and a very nasty way to dismiss a group of people with mental vulnerability. (I consider myself lucky that I do not have to suffer from an emotionally unstable personality and all the prejudices that come with this label.) Apparently, the Contrabassist would prefer to have his girl blissfully wrapped up in fiction, rather than reality. And when the MPDG fiction did not fit his experiences anymore, he just switched to the opposite trope\u2014the \u201cfemale hysteria\u201d narrative\u2014to tell our social circles about the break-up. Both these stories are equally shallow and excessive. Myth-making like this fills the empty vessel for those who, in Jungian terms, haven\u2019t integrated parts of their unconscious self into their conscious ego, and thus leads to unrealistic expectations.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>That\u2019s why I\u2019m happy with a series like <em>LotS<\/em>, because although it\u2019s easy to come up with a whole list of criticisms\u2014the participants are mostly white, middle class, and the show is full of bad advice, infantilizing speech, lack of nuance, sentimental, stereotypical representation, dumb musical cues, etc., etc.\u2014the show is about real, realistic people. No shallow MPDGs or \u201chysterical women,\u201d but multi-facetted portrayals of interesting persons. Like Chloe, who dates both men and women, and finds a spark when plucking sunflowers with Lotus: \u201cI can\u2019t stop smiling!\u201d and \u201cWe were talking non-stop!\u201d And it is good that the series emphasizes the importance of talking.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Communication in queer relationships is perhaps even more important, because you do not want to follow the social escalator. And communication can be difficult for people with autism, especially if you have to deal with all kinds of unspoken expectations and prejudices about your sexual orientation. If a woman is looking for a man on a dating site, it is assumed that she is heterosexual. If as a woman you are looking for a woman, then you fit in the lesbian box. But if you insist that you are bisexual, you soon come into contact with all kinds of other assumptions. And that can be very confusing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Stories matter as fiction creates real life. Many individuals, especially those with an avoidant attachment style, do truly believe that there is a \u201cperfect\u201d person for them, somewhere, and try to present themselves as \u201cperfect\u201d as well. Looking back, I recall a conversation I had with Steampunk Redhead, on a picnic with her kittens. After eating some of her glitter cupcakes, she started creating me garlands from daisy flowers. \u201cI am just always happy,\u201d she said, and although I knew that this was not true (she had scars from automutilation), I did not consider it to be a red flag. Same goes for the Contrabassist on our first date, who told me, \u201cYou are a little crazy, heh?\u201d with twinkling eyes. When I tried to have a conversation about this comment of his\u2014\u201cplease define crazy\u201d\u2014he just made a joke out of it. But somewhere deep down, I already knew that he did not see me for who I was, that he was fooled by my appearance, just like Steampunk Redhead (subconsciously) tried to fool me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>No matter how quirky you are, which colors you dye your hair, and whether you are bisexual or autistic or both\u2014we are all on this planet to be the heroes of our own story, not two-dimensional supporting roles in somebody else\u2019s. I am happy with <em>LotS<\/em>, but still waiting to see movies in which a man leaves his head with MPDG stardust\/dreams\/fantasies behind to marry an emotionally supportive adult woman, who has her own life story to live. No need to hide or even toss your magical joie-de-vivre, you can be a cheerful, quirky lassie if you\u2019d like to, but just be careful about being \u201cmanic pixie-zoned\u201d by yourself and others. Discover yourself in your own terms and allow others the same, for idealizing a person actually devalues them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-large\"><img decoding=\"async\" width=\"683\" height=\"1024\" src=\"http:\/\/martinemussies.nl\/web\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/12\/manic-pixie-dream-girl-pin-683x1024.png\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-2350\" srcset=\"http:\/\/martinemussies.nl\/web\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/12\/manic-pixie-dream-girl-pin-683x1024.png 683w, http:\/\/martinemussies.nl\/web\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/12\/manic-pixie-dream-girl-pin-200x300.png 200w, http:\/\/martinemussies.nl\/web\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/12\/manic-pixie-dream-girl-pin-768x1152.png 768w, http:\/\/martinemussies.nl\/web\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/12\/manic-pixie-dream-girl-pin.png 1000w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 683px) 100vw, 683px\" \/><figcaption>If you like this post, you can &#8220;pin&#8221; it by using the image above. ^_^<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Dating is difficult, complicated, messy, and awkward for everyone, I assume. But autism adds an extra layer of turmoil to that already unstable cocktail. Especially if you\u2019re bisexual\u2014and those last two identities often go hand&hellip; <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":2348,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[49,50],"tags":[102,533,109,535,536,534],"class_list":["post-2347","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-autism","category-bisexuality","tag-autism","tag-biwomenquarterly","tag-bwq","tag-dating","tag-love-on-the-spectrum","tag-manic-pixie-dream-girl"],"aioseo_notices":[],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v25.4 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>I am not your Manic Pixie Dream Girl &#187; Martine Mussies<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"In this essay I would like to share something of my experiences, somewhere in the triangle of dating, bisexuality, and autism.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"http:\/\/martinemussies.nl\/web\/i-am-not-your-manic-pixie-dream-girl\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"I am not your Manic Pixie Dream Girl &#187; 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