The theme for BWQ\u2019s Spring issue is \u201cFirsts\u201d and I wrote a personal essay – with soundtrack! – about two of my first experiences: the first time I felt rejected, judged and excluded as a bi-romantic misfit, and the first time I felt how I could claim my place in space.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n
\u201cMartineeeeee, who do you<\/i> want to date?!\u201d the children in the school yard yelled. Scattered, I looked up from my book about female pharaohs and their cats. Date? Like… a courtship? Hmm. Yeah, why not? I was a rather Romantic child, my heart sang of philosophy and poetry, and my mind was starved for travel beyond the road ahead. Connecting with my peers was too scary for me\u2014I preferred to spend my time talking to my cats\u2014but somehow, this idea of sharing a special intimacy, some sort of secret bond, with another human being fascinated me. It was an appealing thought.<\/p>\n\n\n
My classmates nagged for a name, and I did not have to think hard. Annemieke. A beautiful, blue-eyed, outgoing, active 11-year-old who kept everyone on their toes. She always looked sweet and girlish because of her big blue eyes and her cute freckled face that was often covered by her flowing golden curls. I could draw a map of her whole countenance with my eyes closed\u2014her sea-nymph ears, her dainty nose, and her shiny, halo-white teeth. Among the things she loved were animals, music, video games, bread with cheese and curry ketchup, drawing, dancing, and making others laugh.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I imagined us together, Annemieke and me. Drawing, singing, crafting. Maybe she would also like to go horseback riding and join me climbing trees. On rainy days, I would endlessly brush and caress her long hair. We could take a bath together, like the pharaohs. I would teach her how to talk to my cats. And I would watch when she played on the Sega Mega Drive that she got when her brother grew bored of it. I still remember some of her video games. My absolute favorite Genesis game was Ariel the Little Mermaid. I thought that Annemieke had much in common with the little mermaid. And with Gabriel, the girlfriend (or so I thought) of Xena Warrior Princess. She had a beauty that made those billboard-princesses look as paper thin as they are: she was something robust and real. Somehow, her imperfections made her perfect for me. That was my girl, I just knew it. So, I decided to rule the benefits over the risks and approached her.<\/p>\n\n\n\n